What kind of liberal would boycott “Brokeback Mountain”??????????

This kind. The kind that’s sick of the hypocritical, self-congratulatory Hollywood tools who follow and propagate the Gay Movie Formula. The GMF is followed to one degree or another by virtually every mainstream film with a gay theme or gay protagonist and “Brokeback” doesn’t miss a step:

1. As sympathetic as the characters may be, in the end they must pay for their “sins.” Gay characters must either come to a tragic end themselves, lose their lovers to fate-sad-fate, or both. Preferably by death, but misplaced noblesse oblige will do. No happy ever after for homos.2. The gay characters must be played by straight actors. This is because:

a. Mainstream movies with a gay theme or gay protagonist are basically Chick Flicks with Dicks. It was straight women that made up the largest audience demographic for “Queer as Folk” — which played it’s own silly games with the actors’ orientations — and it’s straight women flocking to the theaters to see these cowboys.

b. Any husbands or boyfriends dragged to the theater by these women can feel better about it, reminding themselves how straight and macho Heath and Jake really are.

Which brings us to 3. During and after filming, said straight actors will be good and goddamned straight. They will be more butch than they’ve ever been in their lives. They will be seen around town with various women, the tartier the better(Jake), or very pregnant wives (Heath). They will give interviews in which they natter on about how tolerant we should all be, meanwhile getting in several reminders of how good and goddamned straight they are.

Please. Spare me.

If you want to talk “breakthrough” and “groundbreaking,” give me a call when you make a movie about gay men who end up spending the rest of their reasonably happy lives together. Put an openly gay actor or two in the movie. I’ll pay to see that.

Originally posted on the blog that shall not be named February 2, 2006